The wind whistled around my ears as I stepped out of the dark alleyway and into the moonlit street.
As I stood staring at the full moon I was suddenly aware of a presence behind me. I quickly turned around and scanned my surroundings carefully, focusing in on any particularly shadowy areas.
I stopped in my tracks and whipped my head back round to the left at record speed. Two deep topaz eyes stared out at me from the darkness and I breathed a sigh of relief as I recognised them instantly.
“Ah, Queen Desdemona, what a pleasant surprise” I whispered “How can I serve you Your Majesty?”
The Queen stepped out of the shadows to reveal herself. As she smiled at me warmly, the pointed fangs in her mouth glinted in the moonlight.
“I have come to assign you a mission, my dear Dante” she hissed “It’s the slayers; they’re beginning to cause me much more trouble than I care to deal with and they must be stopped. My people are becoming extinct at rapid rates because of them and something needs to be done; we can’t let them get away with this, Dante”
“Of course not Your Majesty” I bowed my head in gratitude “I will do whatever is necessary”
“In order to defeat the slayers we need to grow strong again, Dante. You will recruit new members to the Brotherhood; strong, powerful, useful ones; it’s the only way we will stand a chance.”
“But how....” I started.
“I don’t care how” she snapped “Just do it Dante!” I could feel her putrid breath on my neck as she began to trace her serpent like tongue across my skin.
She knew that I could not resist her; no vampire could resist their creator.
“I will succeed in your mission Queen Desdemona. I will make you proud”
“I’m counting on you, Dante. I have every faith in you” She whipped her tongue away from my neck and took a step back.
“Until the next time”
“Goodbye, Queen Desdemona”
I raised my head and watched as she flung her arms into the air;
Smouldering wisps of purple smoke draped down from under them to form a pair of magnificent wings.
Without another word, she ran towards the end of the street and glided into the air.
I stood in place and watched as the tiny dot that was Desdemona disappeared from view, before turning on my heel and disappearing into the shadows.
I know that changes need to be made but i'm at that stage where i don't know what needs to be changed for the better and what needs to be left as it is!
Any opinons would be appreciated :)
Thank You :)Opening scene from my book. Opinions please? :)?
Honestly, it is a good scene(you can call me an avid reader). Think about this : because it is your story i guess only you would be able to make a good guess of what the opening scene should be(as you know the content and the actual story)....what you can do is write down 2-3 opening scenes and then ask your friends or family to decide which should be a good one.........not only the opening but even the climax or crucial scenes of the novel should have 2-3 scripts, then decide the best among them.
the following link would help.......Opening scene from my book. Opinions please? :)?
Oh dear.....more vampires :(
Look, it's not for me. I'm done with vampires. Why do you put them in? Use, I don't know, pixies for example. Kidding on, but really, to make it more original, how about using something else. The grammar, is average. The suspense, is edging towards below average. But it's well written.
I love this, but it was very amateur, like many to start off with the wind whistling (Or having the weather involved at all). I think you are one of the very few people here who actually used some form of good grammar.
I think you should make the dialogue be more natural.
“Until the next time”
“Goodbye, Queen Desdemona”
Instead make it seem like they are actually engaging in a real conversation. I.e. I need to leave now Queen D.....
';Of course.';
Other than that you should be wary of what words you use, and be sure to think of keep it real.
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