Any comment?

FINAL FLIGHT OF LIGHT





sunday morning.


your voice slid a slice of light


into my eyes,





your smile dusted the debris


of memos and bills


off my shoulders.





and i wished the time


to stand still


so that i could cling





to the tender laughter


in your eyelashes;


so that i could lay my head





on your tiny thighs


and listen to the riddles


rivuleting from your tongue.








riddles that yesterday


were rattled and clipped


by the anger that oozed





from my eyes, mouth, and fist 鈥?br>

a beast that refused the warm breeze


brought by the sea of your why鈥檚.





a, how i wished i could tie the sun


and lift it above the hills


a little longer 鈥?br>




i still would like to play with you


to annoy you, to say sorry,


and to sleep embracing you,





my child. but the dusk


has already fluffed its wings, the wind


has whistled the final flight of light.Any comment?
that was very deep and powerful....it uplifted me in my time of need. you should get it published.Any comment?
I'd like to see this in the 'poem of the month' at myverdict.net
Humm, some fresh blood surging into the poetry category, including you. I found this poem delightful in parts, shocking in others, and when they first collided, surprised at the change of voice so swift.





The last stanza shows your capacity for writing. Absolutely lovely. Also, ';how i wished....a little longer ---'; Beautiful.





I wish to go through this stanza by stanza but this seems to me like the kind of poem where you were so in the moment and could recapture. I'd love to see you go at this again more incisively, especially in the middle.





the only stanzas that didn't work/confounded me a bit started/ended with from ';riddles'; to ';your why's.'; Would love to sit down with you over them.





Very nice work, I thought. Thanks for sharing this. Don't stop.
reduce it to this - make these into haiku


it works much better - please give me partial credit if you publish this.





i could tie the sun


lifting it above the hills


a little longer
I like this poem, it was emotionally deep. It's about a parent who didn't have time for their child yesterday, but realizes today the joy that was lost. Even today does not seem long enough to baste in the love and innocence of your child.





Your poem sounds a bit tragic at the end. You say the wind has whistled the final flight of light. That sounds like a permanent ending.





I would say to you that there is always tomorrow to once again live and love. Even in a child's death, there is joy and strength from the remembrance of gifts bestowed upon you in this mortal realm. As a believer in God I look forward to re-union.





...but back to the poem. For the most part it flowed nicely in my mind. Areas that bothered my poetic soul a bit were ';slid a slice'; and ';laughter in your eyelashes.'; ';Slid a slice of light'; makes light seem static rather than flowing, beaming, brilliant, glowing. Ironically, ';laughter in your eyelashes'; seem to give movement to those static hairs.





...again a very fine poem. As a parent I can identify with it. Keep on writing.